TRICK OR TREAT!

We here at KARL ROVE DAILY FACTS! wish you all a good, honest Happy Halloween! To celebrate, we would like to share a very scary story.

Al Wheeler, your average family man who owns a flooring business in the Jersey burbs, was relaxing and watching some Eyewitness News after a hard days work when the phone rang. When Al answered the phone, all he heard was a heavy breathing male voice saying "Barack Obama is a Socialist."

Al was confused, but he shook it off and went back to his news. After all, Liz Cho was doing the 6 0'clock news, and never had such bleak and abysmal news sounded so sexy. The phone rang again and this time when he answered, the breathing got even heavier and the voice said, "Barack Obama pals around with terrorists."

Concerned, Al called the operator and let her know the situation. The operator told him to remain calm and if the phone rings again, we'll be able to trace it.

Some time passed and Al started to relax. Seinfeld was on, things were good. Suddenly,the phone rang once again. Frozen with anticipation, Al was slow going but finally picked it up on the 6th or 7th ring. The voice on the other end this time breathed harder and heavier than ever and said, "Joe the Plumber!" Quickly, the operator jumped on the line and yelled to Al, "THIS IS THE OPERATOR! THE CALL IS COMING FROM YOUR BASEMENT! IT'S KARL ROVE AND HE'S TRYING TO DISTRACT YOU FROM THE FACTS! TAKE YOUR WIFE AND KIDS AND PUT ON KEITH OLBERMANN IMMEDIATELY!"

Phew, that was a scary one!

Karl Rove Attached to New Melrose Place

Billy. Jake. Karl Rove?

HOLLYHOOD- Variety reported today that the CW is exploring making a remake with the '90s Fox smash "Melrose Place" and that Karl Rove is attached to star.

As with the original, this "Melrose" centers around an L.A. apartment complex with Rove set to play himself, an unemployed deputy chief of staff with body image issues.

"Melrose Place" creator Darren Starr stated, "Listen, Rove is an obvious choice. He lost his dream job and has man boobs. The story opportunities are endless."

Have a good story line for Karl Rove? Email us your suggestions at IHEARTROVE@GMAIL.COM

Karl Rove Speaks Out Against Same First and Last Name

The following is a forward, written by Karl Rove in the 2009 edition of "The Complete Book of Baby Names."

Pro-creation is a beautiful thing. It's the only reason to have sex with a woman, in my opinion. However, the most important decision that any parent makes is assigning a name to their offspring. Great names make great people, I say. I'll let history back me up on this one. Mark Foley, Dennis Hastert, L. Ron Hubbard and Jesus Christ. All great names. All great Americans.

But let me be clear. Same-name babies are a disgrace to our national image. Pete Peterson? Tommy Thompson? Chester Chesterfield? These are a clear violation of the Constitution of the United States of America. So if you are a parent and your last name is Johnson - do not name your baby John. I will seek you out and have you prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Happy parenting!
-Karl Rove

Karl Rove Attempts Citizens Arrest

SAN FRANCISCO — Former Bush administration aide Karl Rove became a modern day Barney Fife at a San Francisco mortgage bankers' meeting.

As Rove sat charmingly and innocently on stage, a woman - identified as 58-year-old Janine Steed - confronted him and demanded he admit to fathering her child.

"Don't pretend like you don't remember me Karl! It's me! Janine Steed! I had your baby," she cried out to a stunned audience.

Rove lured Steed in with the dismissive poise of a lion, but just as she got close he pounced at her with the speed of cobra. Steed was caught off guard as Rove grabbed a set of handcuffs from his pocket and shouted "citizens arrest, citizens arrest!"

Steed was swept up by security guards before Rove could put the cuffs on. She was dragged off the stage kicking, screaming and pointing to someone else in the crowd. Just then, a twenty-something-year-old with a striking resemblance to Rove approached the stage and wept a single tear.

"Oh THAT Janine Steed," Rove said acknowledging his DNA standing obviously before him. "If it’s a job recommendation letter you’re after just call my assistant."

When questioned about the handcuffs, Rove's assistant explained that Karl is always prepared and eager to exercise his rights as a citizen to arrest other citizens. She cites a recent case in which Rove arrested an elderly woman for cutting him in line at Best Buy as he attempted to purchase the popular video game, 'Guitar Hero.'

Karl Rove Suffered "Brain Cloud"

In his mid-twenties Karl Rove was not the confident, powerful man he is today.

Rove sat in a dingy basement cubicle in a boring, dead-end job in the Republican National Committee. He hated his boss, had no social life and was chronically sick. He saw lots of doctors, but none that could find anything wrong with him. Then finally his boss recommended his personal doctor and Rove's life was immediately changed forever.
Rove was diagnosed with a "Brain Cloud," a fatal, incurable condition. Rove was despondent. He was going to die.
The next day he met with a friend who told Rove about a small pacific island called Waponi Woo. The Waponi's needed a human sacrifice to please their God.
Rove decided that if he could not realize his dream of dying from a heart-attack while eating a corned beef sandwich and having wild sex with a dominatrix hooker in the Oval Office, then perhaps he could help the Waponi's instead. He immediately bought a one way ticket to Waponi Woo where he was greeted as a Saint.
It was there that Rove learned of his fate.
Every century, the Waponi Gods demanded one human sacrifice dive into the island volcano. This century, it would be Karl Rove.
After a long feast and grand celebration, Rove and the Waponi's hiked to the top of the volcano.
But just as Rove jumped into the volcano, it erupted, sending Rove hundreds of miles into the sea.
Rove was rescued by a passing freighter, cleared of any medical conditions and sold his story to Warner Bros. for several million dollars.
In the Hollywood movie, the part of Karl Rove was played by Meg Ryan.

Rovian Politics: Alive and Well!

The Huffington Post's own Ariana Huffington had the audacity to write a column on Tuesday entitled "The Internet and the Death of Rovian Politics." Nothing could be further from the truth as Rovian Politics and Karl Rove himself are very much alive (though in the latter's case, with the assistance of blood thinners and a machine for his sleep apnea). KARL ROVE DAILY FACTS! has looked high and far in our search of the perfect example of Rovian politics at it's best. We found it, with a steady pulse, at the forefront of a heated election- the race for Student Council President at Brunswick Acres elementary school in South Brunswick, NJ.

Newcomer Randy Wilson (3rd grade, Mrs. Pollard's class) is well-liked amongst the K-3 set, but incumbent Brant Walker (6th grade, Ms. Sweeney's class) has enjoyed the support of 4th-6th graders, playing the experience card and questions of Mr. Wilson's character. Behind Wilson's campaign is Rove disciple Eddie Baines, or as Walker calls him, Stinky. Baines has been hard at work, spreading rumors that range from Wilson palling around with bullies (going as far as to calling him a close associate of The Gooch) to a good old-fashioned coodies allegation. Wilson has vehemently denied both but the damage might already be done. The lunch crowds have not been kind to the third grader and many now refer to him as "Brandy Wilson."

Huffington, KARL ROVE DAILY FACTS! is calling you out! Rovian politics is very much alive. Next time, do your homework!

CALL FOR BOYCOTT: PEOPLE MAGAZINE!

Dear Readers,

We here at KARL ROVE DAILY FACTS! are sick and tired of the media favoring the so called beautiful people of this world. Why do they all assume that we the consumers only associate sex appeal with big breasts, chiseled faces and washboard abs. People Magazine is at the top of our beef list for, yet again, failing to recognize Karl Rove as the Sexiest Man Alive. In fact, Karl Rove didn't even make the list. Sure, NATIONAL REVIEW made him Mr. February in their annual Gods of Government calendar, but that's just not good enough. So, we are calling for the boycott of People Magazine until they get it right and name Karl Rove the TRUE Sexiest Man Alive. We urge you to contact People at editor@people.com and tell them how you feel!

KARL ROVE SHILLS JAPANESE LIP BALM

Brad Pitt. George Clooney. Karl Rove? Believe it or not, this is not the top three on People's Sexiest Men Alive list (though with those luscious lips and thick coif of hair, it is mind boggling that he hasn't made the list. In fact, I think we're going to call for a boycott of the publication until they get it right). Karl Rove has joined the growing list of celebrities who have starred in Japanese television commercials.

Since September, Karl Rove has been in commercials for A SUKE, a Japanese lip balm. In the spots, a male contestant on a Japanese game show has to kiss three different women while wearing a blindfold and guess which gal is which. Except they switch the third girl out with Karl Rove and, when the host lifts the blindfold, revealing it was actually Rove, the contestant doesn't care because he loves the taste of the lip balm that he is wearing.

The results have been through the roof for Tempura, the company that manufactures A SUKE. Within one week of the ads appearing on television, sales have gone up 600 percent. Kenji Ishibashi, Tempura's President of Marketing, couldn't be more pleased. "We went with this ad because lipstick has the market cornered on pigs, but nobody has Karl Rove. It seemed like a natural second choice," Ishibashi said. He added, "The results are amazing. As it turns out, the Japanese love fat, white Republicans."

Tempura has raced to make a profit off of this new phenomenon with plans to offer everything from an action figure to a T shirt featuring a shirtless Karl Rove wearing the lip balm.

KARL ROVE: KARAOKE MASTER

Americans have long been privy to Karl Rove's POLITICAL voice, yet few have had the opportunity to hear his SINGING voice. Known to pop up in Karaoke bars across the nation's capital, Karl Rove likes to show off his pipes.

Bob Cosats, owner of Party San Karaoke in Georgetown, confirmed that Rove is a regular. "Yeah, we have Karl in here all the time. Beautiful voice. Smooth and silky, like a fine scotch. He's like Teddy Pendergrass meets Jesus," Cosats stated.

Not everyone agrees with Cosats. Anita Berger, a Party San regular complained, "Karl Rove is an arrogant dick. When he puts in a song request, he can't just sign his name, he has to sign it as "THE DEPUTY CHIEF OF ROCKING YOUR FACE OFF."

Adds customer Calvin Banks, "Rove can't just sing the songs normal, he's always inserting his name into it. Like, I'm a die hard Doobie Brothers fan and I don't think Michael McDonald would appreciate it if he heard this guy singin' about 'CHINA ROVE.' It's a desecration."

Karl Rove couldn't be reached for comment but one thing's for certain. If they went with Karl Rove instead of Gary Cherone, Van Halen would still be a viable hit machine. Karl Rove equals platinum records.

KARL ROVE COLLECTS ANTIQUE DOLL HOUSES

When most architecture lovers want to feed their fetish they’ll tour the Guggenheim or visit a Frank Gehry building. Karl Rove on the other hand visits Daisy May’s Antique Doll and Doll House Emporium. That’s right – Karl Rove collects doll houses. But not just any doll house.

“He’s kind of a Victorian Era snob,” says Sue Culbert, owner of Daisy May’s in Manassas, VA. “We usually get our new shipments on Friday and every Saturday morning, like clockwork, there’s Karl Rove waiting outside the door for us to open. He seems to have a different woman with him every time too.”

Culbert estimates that Rove has purchased upwards of 400 doll houses from her emporium. “Most of my customers are women – actually all of my customers are women. Except for Karl. But when he’s in here, he sure does act like a lady. Actually, let’s be honest, he acts like a bitch. He’s very demanding and when we don’t have a particular style or if he isn’t convinced of the provenance he throws fits.”

Culbert estimates that Rove has destroyed upwards of 30 doll houses in 20 or so hissy fits.

Rove’s most prized possession is an exact replica of the U.S. Capital building. He’s even begun collecting life-like dolls of every member of U.S. Senate and actually sleeps with Ted Kennedy. The doll that is…

Karl Rove: Beekeeper

Let's hope the next U.S. President doesn't have a bee allergy.

Karl Rove - recognized by the White House kitchen staff for having the sweetest, sweet tooth (and manners) in the West Wing – has a unique way of getting his daily sugar high.

Within months of taking office with the Bush administration, Rove – a long time Beekeeper and Bee enthusiast – set up no less than 43 bee farms in the White House Rose Garden. (The number of farms appears to be a nod to the 43rd administration in U.S. history.)

Soon after his farms were up and running Rove’s homegrown honeycomb was as recognizable in Washington circles as his classic comb-over. While most in the administration enjoy “Rove’s Raw Nectar” (as he’s taken to calling it) there are a few detractors.

“That’s why nobody ever wants to shake his hand. It’s either sticky from the honey or slippery from his constant finger licking,” explained Assistant Press Secretary, John Oliveri. "He's gone through 194 computer keyboards in eight years," he added.


Never one to pass up a nickname opportunity, Bush himself has taken to calling Rove “Pooh-head.” No one is quite sure however, if that’s in reference to the famous Disney character or Rove’s reputation for leaving the heaviest bathroom aroma. “The Rove stench is legendary,” Oliveri said.

You're So Vain Was Written About Karl Rove...

And Karl Rove knows the song is about him. Rove spent the early 70s in the L.A. music scene and was a founding member of The Eagles (Their hit "Take It Easy" was written after Rove, who had taken 5 hits of acid, got completely naked and punched Linda Ronstadt in the stomach, prompting Glen Frey to mutter those famous words). On one of his better nights, Karl met Carly Simon at a party and she became instantly smitten. Off the bat, she saw the narcissist in him but the final straw was when Carly walked in to find Karl Rove standing naked in front of a mirror, moving his pecs to the tune of "La Cuccaracha."

Karl Rove Was A Back Up Dancer For The Digital Underground

Most people think of 2Pac as the O.G. dancer for this Oakland rap crew but that is just untrue. In fact, not only was Karl Rove a backup dancer for the Digital Underground, he actually invented the Humpty Dance! Before he was advising George Bush, Karl Rove was advising Shock G, aka Humpty Hump. Under the stage name MC Killa Karl, Rove had the rhymes and the flavor to launch a major rap career but the camp thought he was too gangster for nationwide acceptance and that 'Pac was "safer for Main Street." 2Pac's dead, Karl Rove's runnin' DC. THUG LIFE!

Karl Rove's First Job Was At J.C. Penney's

That's right. The man known as "The Architect" got his start in Men's Fashions shilling suits at a J.C. Penny's outside of Salt Lake City. Says Bob Jenkins of Ogden, UT, "Karl Rove sold me my first blazer and let me tell ya, he gave me one hell of a deal! I've gotten a lot of suits in my day and NOBODY measures an inseam like Karl Rove!" Adds former boss Steve Brush, "Rove? If you ask me, the kid never should've left retail. I once saw him sell 4 suits in under an hour and one of them was Velour!"

And who bought that Velour suit you might ask? None other than a young (and svelt) Dick Cheney.